


The Pick Up Line War

by wanderingidealism



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-11
Updated: 2013-02-11
Packaged: 2017-11-28 23:52:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/680292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingidealism/pseuds/wanderingidealism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A pick up line war happens.<br/>Hilarity ensues.<br/>it's kinda OOC.<br/>but pretty hilarious.<br/>rated T for language and general hilarity.<br/>this is all of my head canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pick Up Line War

**Author's Note:**

> Avengers belong to Marvel/Disney/ Stan Lee. The Headcanon crack however is all mine. Please read responsibly.

Pick up lines, or how everyone spent the day trying to get the most phone numbers.

Steve.

Steve Rogers is everyone’s pretty boy. Sweet, innocent Steve, with his huge, puppy-dog eyes, his 1940’s down-home attitude and manners. He is the spitting image of a perfect man- tall, muscular, and polite. And he won’t deny that he is, however, most people forget that biologically he’s in his 20’s.

And that he had years to watch his womanizing friend Bucky Barnes get all the girls.

So even if he’s a Man Out of Time, he knows a thing or two about what women like to hear. And the image of a young, handsome, muscular man, in need of assistance with his new StarkPhone is an instant draw. (even if he knows how to handle modern technology, he is a quick learner after all, and an even better actor.) 

So when the Avengers made a bet on how many phone numbers they could pick up in 24 hours, Steve knew what he was going to do. He walked to a mall, in the most crowded area, dressed as innocently as possible (a red and blue flannel shirt and blue jeans). He casually leaned against a wall and pulled out the Stark Phone, a (false) puzzled look on his face.

“Oh fiddlesticks! How on Earth do I work this thing?!” He said, loudly, every so often when a young lady (not escorted by her mother, brother, father, boyfriend, or otherwise) walked by. Occasionally one would stop and look at him.

Even more often would one walk over to help him figure it out.

“I’m sorry to trouble you, ma’am, but these new phones are so complicated! Computers as well… Thank you so much for helping me!”

“It was my pleasure! If you need any tech support, here’s my number.” Was often the reply, but even more so, “Oh my God do you have like, a girlfriend or anything?”

Either way, Steve ended up with 43 phone numbers by the time the mall closed, and four more on the way back to Stark Tower.

LINE BREAK 

Clint is slightly more stealthy. He is after all a spy, and very adept at fitting in almost anywhere- even at the park. Well, Fury, when in a moment of desperate need, and when absolutely no one is available, will ask Clint Barton to baby sit his grandchildren- a mission Clint is absolutely enthusiastic about.

Well, he’ll take them to the park, the aquarium, zoos, and street fairs- anywhere where single mothers are bound to be- and where children frequent. At first, Clint wheeled the youngest- a four-month-old- in a bright blue baby carriage with a hood. But after an incident involving baby carriage races with young fathers around Central Park, Fury told him the carriage had an accident and fell into engine 3 of the Helicarrier during take-off.

And Barton was stuck with a bright pink baby carrier instead.

It wasn’t fun- until he realized the logic behind the damn thing. Firstly, the kid is always within arms reach, and can’t be mistaken for another kid, whereas in a carriage there’s always the odds of taking someone else’s carriage and then causing hell.

That’s not very important however, in regards to the second reason why baby carriers are far superior to carriages.

Single mothers would coo at the baby strapped to his chest- while also getting an eyeful of tight pectoral muscles and sick biceps. And his face. In the carriage, they were looking at the baby, but not the person pushing the carriage. With the baby carrier, they had to look at both.

Thus did Barton set up his ploy. Bribing the four-year-old grand child and his three-year-old little sister with ice cream and a carnival game toy, he got them to call him “Daddy” for the evening, while the baby sat in the carrier on his chest. They went to the Street Fair three blocks from Stark Tower. He made sure that any single woman he saw noticed the kids with him and how well he was taking care of them.

He would send the four year old off a few people away, pretending to be lost, then play the role of frantic father.

And when the four year old would return, a concerned single mother holding his hand (Clint made sure he pointed out which ones were his target first, so the four year old wouldn’t make the mistake of grabbing a married woman) he’d be ever so grateful to the person who “Found” his lost, adopted son, and he’d spin an excellent sob story of how his wife had left him (partially true, Barbara was working on divorce number 3) and how he had to raise all three children on his own, and he had lost his job.

This usually ended in sympathy, and about three phone numbers- the victim and three friends- but sometimes he was unlucky and got slapped.

And there was that one time Natasha nearly caught him, but he and the kids fled fast enough to hide in the crowd.

Either way, Clint came home from the street fair this round with a ridiculous amount of numbers, three passed out children, (and a lipstick smudge from where one woman kissed his cheek)

(if Happy followed behind him toting the large, plush dog he had won the kids that day as reward, no one said anything.)

LINE BREAK

Thor and Bruce worked together on this one. Neither were skilled in the ways of Midgardian women (as Thor Put it). 

Thor however did use the ploy “I am a supermodel from Norway” and that worked a couple times, but he grew bored of the sport and felt unfaithful to Lady Jane.

Bruce however, walked right into a convention center with Thor- who was dressed in full Asgardian armor- and he dressed as himself. Nerdy girls flocked to them instantly.

Surprisingly, there were no reports of a Hulk-out that day, and both Thor and Bruce came back to the tower with pockets full of phone numbers.

LINE BREAK

Natasha used seduction. It was super effective!  
(enough said.)

LINE BREAK

Tony quite honestly, was the best at the game. All he did was walk into a night club and announce “I AM TONY STARK” and instantly he had girls all over him, forcing their numbers upon him and also several girls attempting to hand him their undergarments.

He came back to the tower three hours after everyone else, slightly ruffled, and a little (lot) drunk.

He dumped an entire back pack full of phone numbers onto the coffee table and announced he was going to bed. (By which he meant “To the lab and drunk science!”)

The next morning, Bruce determined Clint and Tony had tied, Natasha had taken second, Steve third, himself fourth, and Thor Last.

It went over well until Fury’s Grandson started telling his grandfather about his super fun day with Clint, and how they played hide and seek with all the nice ladies.

As Punishment the six super-children (as Coulson often referred to them as) were forced to clean the helicarrier that week.


End file.
